Coping Ahead: What No One Tells You About College Drop-Off

Your child getting into college is one of those life moments packed with emotion. The college application process is overwhelming and the waiting can feel like torture. So, once your teen finally commits to a school, there’s a collective sigh of relief. But the decisions don’t stop: dorms, roommates, class schedules, meal plans — the list goes on. The stress has not ended; it has just changed. 

What often gets overlooked in the whirlwind, though, is how this transition impacts you, the parent. The truth is, when your child goes off to college, it’s not just a new chapter for them — it’s a big shift for the entire family. It can feel like a huge loss, and for many of us, a deep sense of sadness can sneak in when we least expect it. 

When Your Family Starts to Feel Smaller

For me, it wasn’t just the anticipation about my daughter leaving home. It was realizing that our family of five was suddenly going to become a family of 4 (and a short time later a family of 3 when our second daughter left for college). I was not ready for empty bedrooms and empty places at the kitchen table. I realized I was actually going to miss dance recitals, carpooling and staying up late waiting for her to come home after a night out

It was not so much that I didn’t want her to go, but I was scared of the change. My son was 9 at the time and he too was struggling with the thought of his sister leaving. I offered to buy him all sorts of things to stay connected to her: a friendship lamp, a spinning heart messenger and finally an iTouch (he was 9 and did not have a phone). What he finally said to me was this, “I don’t want any of that. I just want to come home from school and know she is in her room with her door shut!”  His sweet little brain had put into words what I could not. 

Grieving in Secret

In the months before she left I would find myself overwhelmed with emotion at all times of the day and night. I found myself crying in the shower, in the car (especially when Dancing Queen would come on, listen to the lyrics) and even in the grocery store. The fishmongers at Whole Foods were a great source of support. 

I kept most of my feelings to myself. I certainly wasn't going to burden my daughter with my emotions, and I felt silly bringing it up with friends. Wasn’t this what we’d been working toward for years? Shouldn’t I be nothing but proud and excited?

What I didn’t realize then is that I was actually doing something important: coping ahead. A skill a good friend of mine once taught me to help manage emotions around Michigan Football. 

The Day She Left

The day she left was difficult; saying goodbye to her high school boyfriend and then her two younger siblings was like watching a bad Hallmark movie. But somehow, I held it together and got us to the airport in one piece.

Once we landed in Boulder and the move-in chaos began, I found myself steady. Even through the tears and worries (hers, not mine), I was able to focus on unpacking, sending my husband to Bed Bath and Beyond for the 5th time and providing her the reassurance she needed. 

Meanwhile, my husband had his emotional breakdown on-site. He hadn’t done any “coping ahead,” and it showed. The last night in Colorado, he was snappy and impossible to be around. His anger and frustration quickly turned to sadness. He was puzzled by why I seemed to be handling everything so well. And I told him the truth — I’d already been grieving for months; I had coped ahead.

The Goodbye Hug

When I hugged my daughter goodbye before we left, something amazing happened. The excitement and pride I felt for her outweighed my sadness by a landslide. I could be fully present for her, and her natural fears and anxieties because I had already walked through the hard parts on my own time.

She looked at my husband, who was unable to hold back tears, and asked if he’d be okay. I smiled and said, “Don’t worry. I’ve got him.” 

What I Wish I Knew (and What I Want You to Know)

If you’re getting close to that college drop-off moment, here’s what I’ve learned:

1. Cope ahead.

Let yourself start feeling the feelings before they sneak up on you.

2. You’re not alone.

Talk to other parents — many are going through the same thing, or have been there already.

3. Let yourself be sad.

Don’t fight it. Crying can feel really good.

4. Be open — but careful.

It’s okay if your child knows you’re sad. But try not to make it about you. They need to feel free to focus on their new beginning.

5. Lower your expectations.

College drop-off isn’t supposed to be fun. It’s a moment to endure. If you go in knowing that, you might be pleasantly surprised.

6. Grieve now, so you can celebrate later.

Coping ahead won’t erase the sadness, but it makes space for joy — and that’s what your child needs most.

This is a big transition. It’s okay to feel it deeply. Let yourself mourn, talk it out, cry to Dancing Queen, and most of all — know that you’re doing a great job.

You’ve raised them for this moment. They’ll be okay. And you will be too.